What If Today Changes Everything?

I feel so happy and blessed today. I don't know why but this time I find it really hard to ellaborate the things that had happened today. But I do have this question in mind, what if the things that happened today changes everything? How am I going to deal with it.

On the (-) part of my brain and the lonely part of my heart, I'm thinking of random crazy things. "What if he never talked to me again?", "what if people started speculating?", "what if others started talking shit about me?". These random thoughts makes me feel sad. Really. But yeah, there's a huge possibility that these things are going on now. I know, I'm human. I'm not numb. Been there, done that. But one thing I hate about myself is that, I never learned. I keep on hurting myself more and more. I keep on denying things, I keep on hoping and hanging on. What is wrong with me? Seriously.

But still, there are (+) thoughts that are battling against my random (-) vibes. "What if he realizes, ohwow she's sweet" "wow, I kinda like her already" "I dint know that she's actually nice" "I wanna get to know her" but yeah, being a pessimist, I find these thoughts really impossible. Y'know. Errrrrrrr.


Oh God, please do help me. I don't know what to feel anymore. :(

EHSAGSTOKOMAGTAGALOG

Ayyyy... Tinanggal niya na yung DP na ginawa ko, halos sabay kami nagpalit ng DP pero nauna ako. *mej pareho kami ng DP dati* K, move on. (;

Ano ba ang pag-ibig? Siguro hindi ko na yun kayang i-explain ngayon, dati siguro masasabi ko na ang pag-ibig ay yung kakaibang pakiramdam na nararamdaman mo para sa isang tao lang. Pag naramdaman mo na yun, alam mo na agad kung pag-ibig yun. Walang paliwanag o walang definition na masasabi nating eksakto para sa salitang yun.

Minsan sa buhay ko, nagmahal ako. Aminado ako dun. Hindi ko nakayang pigilan. Nasaktan-nagmahal ulit. Umasa- nasaktan. Napansin ko na sa bawat makakaramdam ako ng iba para sa isang tao, hindi ko maiiwasan ang masaktan. Lagi nalang part yun ng kung ano mang connection yung mabubuo. Nakakainis lang, pero reality to eh. Kailangan kong tanggapin. Ang kaso, habang buhay nalang ba akong tanggap nalang ng tanggap ng sakit? Lagi nalang bang one sided? Paminsan tuloy ayoko nang i-try, nang wala ng umasa tas wala ng masaktan. Para masaya na lahat. Ayoko nang tumingin sa kahit sino. Pero may isang bagay akong aaminin, kahit kanino pa ko tumingin isang tao lang yung nakikita ko. Hindi ko maiwasan eh. Kahit ako naiinis na ko sa sarili ko kasi parang ako nalang yung nakakapit tas siya matagal nang bumitaw. Araw-araw nasasaktan padin ako kahit mali.

5 years ago... Tagal na pala, limang taon nadin pala. Hindi ko naisip na ganun nadin pala katagal nung una kong maexperience ang napakasakit at napakasaklap na one-sided love. Naramdaman ko namang kahit papaano, naging mahalaga din ako sa kanya. Ayos na yun. Yung idea na yon ay sapat na para maging masaya ako, at umasa sa loob ng limang mahahabang taon.

Ngayon siguro nagkamali na naman ako, pero bawat mali ko natututo ako. Natututo ako na hindi lahat ng bagay nagwowork lang sa loob ng isang buwan. Hindi mo masasabing mahal mo na ang isang tao dahil hindi mo siya maalis sa isip mo. Hindi sapat na basehan ang katext mo lang siya hanggang madaling araw para masabing mahalaga ka na sa kanya. At lalong hindi dahil nagpaparamdam siya ng kung ano eh mahal ka na niya. False hopes at matatamis na salita pag nagsabay ay masakit ang kahihinatnan.

Hinay-hinay nalang siguro muna. Napagtanto ko na mahirap punan yung space na naiwan niya sa buhay ko at hindi yun kayang basta nalang mapalitan ng iba. Kahit anong pilit ko, kahit anong subok ko. KUNG HINDI AY HINDI TALAGA.

COMING SOON

Oh and yes, before you continue reading this you are prolly thinking that this is just a blog post containing boy-drama. Well, you're absofuckinlutely right. Your choice to read this or not. I don't care, I just have to say this. I can't tell anyone but I can blog it. *okayyyyy.

So. I dunno, I feel a little depressed now cause my tweets are down to zero from 10K+ and I don't fucking know why. Plus, I dint get a chance to see the guy I like for four fucking long days now!!! I wanna die, somebody kill me now. Loljk. But yeah, seriously. I dint go online for two or three days because I wanted to think about lots of things. I'm so disappointed with myself, why? Because this is not part of the plan! Its not supposed to happen this way if I did it my way. I let fate interfere with my plans in life now I got a problem and I can't escape. I get hurt without anybody knowing, this sucks. I should stop now and I'm making another list of things about whatever to distract myself.

Change of heart? YES
Change of mind? YES.
Why? Because I don't want to be just ANOTHER GIRL who flirts with you via facebook or wherever. I'm not like those OTHER GIRLS who waste their golden time on you. I don't deserve it, really. I've been raised with standards. I've seen people get hurt, girls cry and guys who took revenge. I don't need another problem in life. I might as well be alone than to be with someone right now. I'm not liking anybody ever again. NEVER. It sucks. Well maybe admiring good looks is okay? (;

Back to reality, I'm not that girl who's easy to please.
When that day comes that you start seeing who I really am, I am prolly happy with someone who saw me first. (;